Sorry for the serious lack of updates, you guys. I'm home for the holidays, and thus I've just been enjoying the time with my friends. But today I bring you...

THE COLLEGE UPDATE!


Here is YA Jared. He is gorgeous. Don't ask me why he suddenly wears glasses. I do not know the answer.


And YA Alice, who is equally as beautiful.


First things first, let's choose majors! Alice picks Physics and Jared Economics.


The obligatory uni = study picture. These kids do nothing but.


Oh, but of course! Jared also enjoys writing in his diary while freaking out at the idea of someone potentially reading it. Sitting in front of your sister and some dormie probably doesn't help much, genius.


Alice on the other hand, likes dancing while thinking about what an "awesome" dancer she is. Or maybe she's just being vain and self-absorbed? Probably.


They both also love SSX 3.


And when I say love, I mean they spend every waking hour playing it. It's not healthy, you guys! Trust me, I would know.


So sweet little Jared who never did anything mean to anyone ever before, suddenly decided to bring out his dark side in uni.
Jared: Hey, what's that on your top?


Jared: FLICK LOL!


Jared: Hahaha! Now I know why Alice was such a bitch!


This went on for some time.


Long enough to make the girl cry.
Jared: I ATTACKED YOU FIRST I KNOW, BUT YOU'RE MAKING ME REALLY MAD RARGHRGG!


Alice meanwhile, worked on a term paper...


told some unfunny jokes (seriously girl, I ain't laughing) about visits to the optometrist...

and then... dun dun dun....


ate some mac and cheese!

Whatever happened to this girl? I miss her!


Jared: I learnt how to walk! That makes me pretty hot, right?
Jared is in love with this girl. Apparently the spacy/high look is his kind of thing.


This is what Jared would call dancing.


I would call it: PREPARING FOR LIFT OFF!


Mohawk Mullet Man: Eating so much will make you fat! Maybe you should go start some drama to burn off those excess calories!


Excuse you Mohawk Mullet Man, but why would she do that when she could play this enthralling game of darts? Get a clue dude.


And with this super sexy boy, nonetheless.


Yeah so Mohawk Mullet Man can secretly see the future or something.
Crotchety Old Hag: Yes yes yes! Stretch those legs open wide!


This sick bitch is loving it, you can so tell.

The following pictures are fairly unnecessary:




I just wanted an excuse to point out how ADORABLE I find Jared. He is inching that little bit closer to heir.


I have a pillow fight with my sibling every time I finish a semester of school, too!


Sometimes I even pick fights with unsuspecting victims as well! Jared and I have so much in common.
Alice: LOL THIS IS SO AWESOME!


Yeah ok, this is where the similarities end.
Pussy.


Alice: I love your hair! I didn't know that colour fell into the black bin!
Sassy Purple-Haired Ho: For your information Miss Au Naturale, this is Garnier 100% Blue Black! I am TOTALLY in the black bin! >:( >:( >:(


You seem confused, Alice. Let me explain.
You are inherently mean. It is your way of life. This is why being nice DOES NOT work for you.


Jared: I finish every semester on the Dean's List. I'm kind of amazing like that *wink wink*
Green Waft Girl: Zzzz.


Green Waft Girl: OMG I LIKE HATE SNOW TOO, WE ARE LIKE SOOOO, LIKE TWINS OR SOMETHING!
Jared: ...


Jared was all OMG BUY A ROBOT BUILDING MACHINE THING so I bought one.


IT'S MAGIC!


You don't know what you're in for, buddy.


Oh. So apparently you're in for the ~*~love of a lifetime~*~
Alice: Boy, you're so fine! You work that lemon shirt!


I don't know why, but Jared decided to don some dark, souless clothing and sit alone outside in the cold night.


Jared: My, what an unexpected snowfall we have!


All the better to emo to, my dear.


Alice is having fun in the snow too.


What's this? A NICE snowman?
...
.....
*blinks*
HAHAHA.


She then proceeded to build an army of sweet as sugar snowmen because she literally has no friends at uni.

Exhibit A:


Alice attempts to dance with fellow students. They fail to detect her presence, while Alice fails to dance in synchronicity.

Exhibit B:


A school mascot makes a friendly gesture at Alice. This gesture is not well received.


Alice: Maybe if you were dressed as a robot instead of a llama, I would find you TOTALLY hot!


Speaking of robots, Jared continues to try and woo this one in particular.
Jared: That green waft is so sexy, and totally highlights your green tunic! LET'S GET ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.


Assuming that pathetic attempt at romance didn't work, the only thing left to do is punish his failure by sleeping in the snow. AS YOU DO.


Jared and that girl still don't get along by the way.


Ill-Fitting Shorts Girl: TAKE THAT! THE POWER IS IN MY PANTS!
Jared is also still a damn girl.


As is evident here, everyone in this dorm...


has well functioning hormones.


Yes, even this guy.


Oh wait. EXCEPT JARED. Standing in a room full of girls, Jared doesn't find a single one attractive.


It seems Jared actually prefers males, yet this one obviously does not prefer Jared.


The same guy also doesn't like Alice, but probably only for the fact it appears as though she hasn't showered in a month. Sorry to break it to you man, but while the Penvellyns may suck, your shirt totally doesn't reach your pants. And THAT, is a failure of epic proportions!


Maybe if you had actually WON this wouldn't be a problem right now.


Jared tries to redeem himself.


AND FAILS.


WHINE WHINE WHINE.


On a lighter note, Alice eventually hooks up with Lemon Shirt.


GREAT SUCCESS!


She's totally daring enough to cop a feel on the first date. Whore.


Jared also makes some serious improvements in his life. I am so proud of you bb.


As a reward for finally punching that girl's lights out, I send him to some college community lot to find some sweet ladies.


LOL THIS IS INDEED MY IDEA OF A REWARD. No, really now. Cancel action. Click. Walk here. Scope room.


UGH PLEASE.


Much better!


Oooh! Her, yes yes yes?


Please go jump into a raging pit of fire, thank you!


Jared: I'd bang you if you were wearing a tiny pink dress right now!


Hot Girl: I am WAYYY too good for this loser!
She's cute, but I'm still iffy.


Well, aren't you an idiot.


Hellooo, gorgeous!


WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?


Hot Girl: Boy you better watch out! I'm so fierce! Flags will be waving when you see me coming!


It's a shame he finds you revolting like 99.9% of girls on the planet!


Hot Girl: I'm hotter than the sun! Can you handle all this?!


As a back up plan, he totally can.


Rofl one-sided crush. Our boy is hard to please.

For some much needed relief from the tragedy that is Jared's love life, I shall present to you all the Stupid Dormie Syndrome (SDS).


Sufferers of SDS present one single symptom: stupidity. This is characterised by their inability to realise that Jared Penvellyn's desk is not the only desk within the dorm.


Other indications include a pile of homework outside Jared's room.


And an even bigger pile inside his room.
(HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? HIS DOOR IS FREAKING LOCKED!)


Alice became fat, by the way. Not that you can tell easily. I missed her "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT FAT EVEN THOUGH I ATE WHENEVER I WASN'T WRITING A TERM PAPER OR TELLING BAD JOKES!" face.


Well look who called! That really gorgeous hideous girl from the community lot.


Jared: You like TV? I HATE TV. We obviously have nothing in common.


Jared: I've been beaten up by a girl TWICE by the way. I'm not very manly or buff. Definitely not boyfriend material.


Jared: I know we have our differences, but I'd like to honestly say that I think you would look beautiful in a pink dress!


Ill-Fitting Shorts Girl: Aww really? Thank you! I was just thinking of buying this pair of gorgeous pink pumps, what do you think?


Jared: HAHA! If you wanna look like a fat whore, go for it!


Alice, being a genius and all, decides to perform the school cheer in front of the rival mascot.


I just knew this was a dumb idea.


A really dumb idea.
Also, this dress completely hides the fact she's fat. I need to get me one of those!


Alice: I COULD TOTALLY SLAP YOU UP RIGHT NOW IF I WEREN'T BEING SO GOOD IN COLLEGE FOR SOME REASON!


Anyway, Jared has the same amount of chemistry with this girl, whose name is Adriana, as he does with Hot Girl. Way to deceive me with your "uhh I dunno, I'm your typical guy" facade, Jared!
Jared: Did you know that I lost a fight not once, but twice to Ill-Fitting Shorts Girl? I'm manly enough to admit that!
Ill-Fitting Shorts Girl's Dorm Room Picture: BWAHAHAHA.


Adriana: LOL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A MAJOR KICK IN THE BALLS!


Oh Alice, aren't you supposed to be the smart one?


Adriana: I think you're so sexy, girlyness is a big turn on for me!


Jared: I'm so glad my feminine form and actions, even as I cower here like a girl, appeal to you!


EXCELLENT WORK! Also, check out the repeat offender of SDS. Idiot.


Aww :)

Anyway, time to graduate!


Adult Alice, though the shirt would suggest otherwise.


Bye bye Alice!


That leaves us with our heir. Sorry Alice lovers! I'm sure she'll pop up from time to time.
Jared is heir because he's a little more unique looking, was far more interesting than Alice in uni and because he thinks he's Scottish. All good reasons!


You know what this means... gen 3 is FINALLY on the way! Took me long enough, right? Thanks for reading :D

EDIT: I JUST realised I was calling some guy with a mullet Mohawk Man. I WIN AT LIFE.